


This Is How You Make Friends

by Rulerofthefakeempire



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Normal Life, But That's Not the Point, Comedy, Enjoy!, I am a little, I'm Not Ashamed, M/M, Slice of Life, Texting, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is why I shouldn't be allowed to use the internet, Well - Freeform, also, seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-06-09 05:28:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6892039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rulerofthefakeempire/pseuds/Rulerofthefakeempire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>06153664: Listen Sammy, I want you to know that I only called you a dead man’s cupcake and threw icing at you’re face because I love you and I was drunk and I want only the best for you. And also, I bet that you’re face smells super nice right now. </p>
<p>06153664: So hah. </p>
<p>06153664: I win. </p>
<p>06475937: I’m sorry, who is this?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**06153664: Listen Sammy, I want you to know that I only called you a dead man’s cupcake and threw icing at you’re face because I love you and I was drunk and I want only the best for you. And also, I bet that you’re face smells super nice right now.**

**06153664: So hah.**

**06153664: I win.**

06475937: I’m sorry, who is this?

**DrunkCupcake: You’re not Sam are you?**

06475937: No, no my name is Steve. How did you get this number? 

**DrunkCupcake: Oh, sorry man. I accidentally deleted all my contacts, I thought I remembered the number but apparently I don’t. My bad.**

06475937: It’s no problem. :)

**DrunkCupcake: Oh my god, you actually still use emoticons. I thought you were all extinct.**

SunshineSteve: What’s an emoticon? That was an emoji. :)

**DrunkCupcake: No, no it wasn’t. Emojis are the little animated ones, that’s just a colon and a right bracket next to each other.**

SunshineSteve: They’re not the same?

**DrunkCupcake: They really aren’t. Not since like, 2004. Welcome to the modern age my friend.**

SunshineSteve: I feel like my life is a lie. 

**DrunkCupcake: Tell me about it, I just found out that ‘lol’ does not mean ‘lots of love’ but actually ‘laugh out loud’.**

SunshineSteve: I’m crushed. I’m still trying to figure out what ROFL means, whenever I see it I just think about Scooby doo trying to say ‘waffle’. 

**DrunkCupcake: Man, do I know it. It’s like I missed a whole freaking century and everyone’s just too polite to tell me.**

**DrunkCupcake: I miss those times when words just meant words.**

SunshineSteve: And letters were just parts of words that made sentences. 

**DrunkCupcake: And you didn’t have to choose between fifty thousand different little yellow smiley faces; I have a hard enough time choosing what flavor of ice cream to get.**

SunshineSteve: They were the good times. 

**DrunkCupcake: True story my friend, but I gotta run. I have to go and figure out how to go apologize to Sam in person because I apparently don’t have his phone number.**

SunshineSteve: Good luck. 

….

SunshineSteve: So how did it go?

**DrunkCupcake: How did what go?**

SunshineSteve: The apology. 

**DrunkCupcake: I showed up at his work with a very large bag of Doritos, and salsa. I’d say it went very well other than that one bit where he hit me up side the head.**

**DrunkCupcake: He won me back though by sharing his chips.**

**DrunkCupcake: Why do you care anyway?**

SunshineSteve: Curiosity. If someone called me a dead man’s cupcake and threw icing at my face, I probably wouldn’t forgive them. 

**DrunkCupcake: You traitor. I thought we were friends.**

SunshineSteve: You do realize that we met over text right?

**DrunkCupcake: I thought we had a very strong bond… over text.**

SunshineSteve: Well, just wanted to be sure that you hadn’t been killed by whoever Sam is. 

**DrunkCupcake: Well I haven’t. And for the record, he might swear at me a lot, and I might get drunk and occasionally insult him, but we love each other very much.**

SunshineSteve: So this Sam is your… boyfriend?

**DrunkCupcake: Oh nah, he’s my roommate. But he loves me, I’m very sure of it. And I love him too.**

**DrunkCupcake: In a friend sort of way.**

**DrunkCupcake: Friend love.**

**DrunkCupcake: Friove.**

**DrunkCupcake: You know it.**

SunshineSteve: Oh, that’s cool. 

SunshineSteve: Well, I’m going to bed. I’ll talk to you later. 

**DrunkCupcake: Okay, goodnight. Though I’m pretty sure you must be like an eleven year old to be going to bed at this time.**

SunshineSteve: I don't care. Goodnight.

….

**DrunkCupcake: How much money would I have to pay you to tell me that I’m a wonderful person, and I deserve happiness, money, and someone very, very pretty bring me alcohol?**

SunshineSteve: You are a wonderful person, who deserves money, happiness and a beautiful person to bring you drinks.

**DrunkCupcake: Thank you, I needed that.**

SunshineSteve: No problem.

….

**DrunkCupcake: You know, I think this weird friendship really was a good idea.**

**DrunkCupcake: It’s like having a pen-pal that’s instantaneous and I don't have to buy stamps.**

**DrunkCupcake: This is great.**

**DrunkCupcake: Though I hope you’re not a pervert or something. That would be super awkward.**

**DrunkCupcake: But I’m pretty sure perverts know the difference between an emoji and an emoticon.**

SunshineSteve: I like you also, strange text person. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

DrunkCupcake: Theoretically, if I murdered my boss, would you want me to tell you?

  
SunshineSteve: No, very much no. If you tell me, I can’t say you didn’t do it

  
DrunkCupcake: Aw, you would defend me in court? That’s so comforting.

  
SunshineSteve: That doesn’t mean you should murder you’re boss.

  
SunshineSteve: Plus why would you want to?

  
DrunkCupcake: He just asked me to work Christmas

  
SunshineSteve: Christmas is ages away.

  
DrunkCupcake: He extremely efficient does everything pointless at least two months in advance. Now if it’s important he’ll wait until at least fifteen minutes before it’s needed before telling anybody about it.

  
SunshineSteve: Why don’t you just say that you can’t work?

  
DrunkCupcake: Yeah, but you get paid, like, double and it’s not like I don’t like working there. I’m just annoyed that I was the only one he asked, cause he knows I’m the only one with no family to spend it with.

  
SunshineSteve: Oh, I’m sorry.

  
SunshineSteve: I spend most of my Christmases in my apartment trying not to notice that it’s Christmas.

  
DrunkCupcake: Look at us. What loners.

  
SunshineSteve: I’m not a loner.

  
DrunkCupcake: Yes you are. You’re a total loner.

  
SunshineSteve: You don’t know me.

  
DrunkCupcake: Personally, I think this week old relationship is so in depth I know everything about you.

  
SunshineSteve: Well, if you know me so well that I’m a loner, then you’re a loner too.

  
DrunkCupcake: Well yeah, that’s just a given. The point is that we can be loners together.

  
DrunkCupcake: Over text.

  
DrunkCupcake: And it’s wonderful because neither of us have to loose out loner status, but still get fulfilling conversations with another human being.

  
SunshineSteve: You’re a weirdo.

  
DrunkCupcake: Sure, whatever

  
….

  
SunshineSteve: Hey.

  
DrunkCupcake: Sup

  
SunshineSteve: Can I ask you a question?

  
DrunkCupcake: Sure, as long as it’s not ‘what’s your address so that I can come and kidnap you?’

  
SunshineSteve: What do you do, like for a living?

  
DrunkCupcake: I work at a café, as a pastry chef

  
SunshineSteve: A pastry chef? Wow, that’s cool

  
DrunkCupcake: It is, other than the fact that I have to wake up hella early and come home with a thin coating of flour covering every inch of my body

  
SunshineSteve: I do see how it would have its downfalls, but it’s still more interesting than my job. I’m a history teacher

  
DrunkCupcake: So you come home coated in chalk and me in flour. That’s convenient.

  
DrunkCupcake: And I always liked history

  
SunshineSteve: Me too, and the pay isn’t bad.

  
SunshineSteve: Not great either, but not bad

  
DrunkCupcake: Are the kids a hassle?

  
SunshineSteve: Not really, some of them suck, but most of them just want to be able to pass and go on their way

  
SunshineSteve: But then there are some that are so into it; they just want to know all the things about everything.

  
SunshineSteve: And that’s always nice.

  
DrunkCupcake: That does sound like fun. I’m sure you have a great time expanding the knowledge of young minds.

  
SunshineSteve: I do, I really do.

  
SunshineSteve: But I also think that the Pe teacher at my school is plotting to kill me

  
DrunkCupcake: I think that’s just Pe teachers in general, they’re just permanently angry

  
DrunkCupcake: It’s a requirement.

  
SunshineSteve: You understand me.

  
…

  
DrunkCupcake: I was in the army

  
DrunkCupcake: In answer to you’re question from before, I was also in the army. I only learnt to cook after I got back.

  
SunshineSteve: Really? That’s pretty impressive, I always wanted to go into the military, but when I was considering it, I was way too skinny.

  
DrunkCupcake: Trust me, it was not all the saving lives and braving things that I thought it was.

  
DrunkCupcake: It actually kind of sucked, and the food was terrible

  
SunshineSteve: Is that what made you want to be a cook?

  
DrunkCupcake: Yeah, when I was discharged, I kind of remembered that I didn’t really know how to do anything, and I figured I couldn’t insult the food until I could do it better.

  
SunshineSteve: So inspiring.

  
DrunkCupcake: Yeah right, you should see my early stuff, I almost blew up the kitchen.

  
SunshineSteve: I’m sure you didn’t.

  
DrunkCupcake: You don’t know anything, it was carnage.

  
SunshineSteve: I believe in you

  
DrunkCupcake: A bad choice really, but I appreciate it

  
DrunkCupcake: I guess I believe in you too.

  
…

  
SunshineSteve: You know that Pe teacher that is trying to kill me?

  
DrunkCupcake: I remember

  
SunshineSteve: He just told me that if I speak to him again he’s going to hit me.

  
DrunkCupcake: Damn, that’s completely out of line!

  
DrunkCupcake: You should make a complaint or something

  
SunshineSteve: I was considering just that, but I don’t really want to make a fuss

  
DrunkCupcake: But you should, make a fuss! He just threated you! Be Angry!

  
SunshineSteve: I’m not even sure if he was serious about it.

  
SunshineSteve: And I’m mostly just annoyed, I mean, I’m like a hand taller than him and he still treats me like a skinny teenager.

  
SunshineSteve: And I wouldn’t even able to hit him back with out violating the rules, then I’d get in trouble too.

  
DrunkCupcake: I’ll hit him if you like

  
DrunkCupcake: I’m very good at it I’ve been told.

  
SunshineSteve: I’d appreciate it if you would.

  
SunshineSteve: I’m so glad that the a stranger I met over text would hit someone on my behalf

  
SunshineSteve: We have a very strong friendship.

  
DrunkCupcake: I would totally hit someone for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, chapter 2! I actually had this done ages ago, but it's just been on my phone since forever but here it is. Finally

**Author's Note:**

> Let me assure you, I am very much an angsty teenager who just wants attention and pizza, but this is down right crack.  
> Also, there will be more of this, I just can't figure out how to do that 1/? thing


End file.
